How to Respond to a Narcissistic Ex Contacting You Again

This is a very common problem for people who've been in relationships with narcissists. They may have broken off with them months or years ago, merely suddenly then contact you again out the bluish. What do nosotros do if this happens?

In this guide, we'll answer this question thoroughly, going through why narcissists tin exercise this, what drives their behavior, and how to handle it.

Here is a summary answer:

Narcissists often re-contact ex partners after a long time considering they are idealizing and seeking to re-connect with old sources of "egotistic supply". The fundamentally broken and manipulative nature of the narcissistic personality means that these attempts to re-contact you should be ignored or rebuffed.

Understanding how narcissists are essentially desperate attention and supply addicts, also as the fundamentally incurable nature of NPD, allows us to quickly encounter through these attempts to re-kindle that narcissist ex partners often make, and nosotros tin can quickly dismiss them and move on with our lives.

Let's run through the what, and the why of this mutual pattern with narc ex's, besides every bit some background theory on the narcissistic personality, and then that we can ameliorate understand and handle this when information technology happens.

Why Exercise Narcissists Do This?

I of the things that oft puzzles many ex's of narcs when this happens is the weird timing of the contact – nosotros'll cover this beneath. But another question people ask is but why do narcs exercise this? Why practise they suddenly appear out of nowhere once again?

Some people in the recovery space call back the reasons for this are unimportant, but I disagree. To permanently rid our lives of these disordered people, we demand to empathize how they think, and how their mind works. With the narcissist, information technology'south actually not that difficult, because it's a peculiarly broken type of personality that operates out a predictable series of cravings and defense mechanisms.

The supply model of NPD is the all-time way to sympathise the disorder. It basically states that narcissists are constantly looking for some form of supply from other people, which confirms i of ii things:

1. How they're so beautiful, clever, bright, funny, exceptional and special. Some kind of admiration/adoration/attention.
2. How other people (or ane target scapegoat individual or group in item) is stupid and dumb, which makes them experience superior and "full" by comparison

This tin take many different forms; here are simply some of them (list is not exhaustive):

• Admiration
• Attending.
• Being feared
• Control or power over others.
• Constantly being validated and affirmed in their twisted worldview 100% of the time.
• Sexual attending.
• A sense of special-ness, uniqueness and perfection.
• A sense of being the all-time/number 1/pinnacle canis familiaris in some field or environment
• A sense of being the smart, aware one, while everyone around them is a stupid, inferior servant.
• Abiding silly-ness and dorsum and forth humor, jokes, memes, and beingness fed constant entertainment, as long every bit they're the middle of attention.
• A back and forth implicit organization where you lot'll always agree on stuff and never disagree or challenge any of his obvious character deficits.

Narcissists are literally addicts in this sense; they need topping up with constant new supply, or else they start falling into depletion, which is when the more than fragile ones can appear depressed, low, moody and kickoff attacking and provoking others as a secondary backup to inflate themselves.

Then here is the bottom line on why the narc ex is of a sudden contacting you again:

• They're re-idealizing their one-time source of supply they got from you. At that place was something well-nigh it that they liked, and they want to see if they can get it again.
• Their current source of supply from the people around them at the moment is low, or has gone. Perhaps someone else has seen through their BS and discarded them as well, so now they're addicts again in need of a gear up.
• A combination of the above two factors.

"The narcissist drank all your "milkshake" and then moved onto someone else to potable their "milk shake". But after a while they call back what your "milkshake" was like and they want to come dorsum and try it again"

Richard Grannon

Narcissists & Supply in ii minutes

Moreover, this can vary, and there isn't a one size fits all reply. Some narcissists you will literally never hear from again after the discard or after you drop them. It's similar you lot're dead to them, and it's best to return the favor past also pretending they never existed.

Still, some narcissists will circle back later months or years and see if they can top up their supply. It all depends on how much they liked the supply they got from you, and even so want it from time to time, plus how much or piffling supply they're managing to leech of the people currently in their midst.

Pay Attention to The Timing of the Contact

The supply model is all well and adept, and is definitely Office of the caption as to why narcs can re-contact y'all after a long time. But in many cases, in that location'due south something even deeper going on, as evidenced by the weird timing of the contact that so many ex'due south of narcissists written report.

Information technology'due south so often that this contact happens correct at the indicate where the victim has fabricated a major breakthrough in recovering from the narc and moving on with their lives.

Pay close attention to this; information technology could be one of these things:

• You've made a major breakthrough in therapy and experience you now "get" something well-nigh their behavior or the relationship yous had with them. Y'all feel more in control and detached.
• You lot're simply about the starting time a new job
• You've merely started a new relationship.
• You lot're about the move to a new country.
• You've merely woken up one twenty-four hours, and thought to yourself "do you know what, I'm over this person at present. I don't care about them one style or the other. I'thou in a good place", or something similar.
• In general, you've made a major mental breakthrough that's further detached yous from them, or you're about to first a positive new affiliate in your life that represents another level of moving on.

If this applies to your situation, you are not alone. It is then often at these positive points of change that the narcissist ex will contact yous out the bluish again and try and draw you lot dorsum in. I've seen this myself and in others as well often for it to be a coincidence.

It can be very foreign to experience, but is indicative of a deeper connectedness between disordered people and those they've manipulated and abused, to the point where they can almost seem to sense when you've taken a step forrad in moving on from them.

Richard Grannon sums upward this phenomenon very well:

"(Someone) is in a human relationship with a narcissist, and at the moment when they start to recover, the narcissist crawls out of the woodwork and sends them an email or calls them. The day, the morn, the afternoon. They're getting on with their life, something not bad happens, they simply got a new job, they're about to move to a new country, life'southward moving forward finally.

BOOM! In (the narcissist) comes. How does he know? How does she know? It's almost like in that location's a web, a connection in that location….The point that I'm making hither is, yous're conveying more than about your emotional state than you realize. Yous might fifty-fifty exist conveying it without being in contact at all. So be happy, that tortures them…Get to the point where they are not on your heed"

Richard Grannon

Another way he puts it is that your state transmits, to the point where information technology oft appears that the narcissist can tell what country yous're in, even when you're not in contact with them at all. Conversely, many of them can as well seem to sense when y'all've made a major leap forward in detaching from them and moving on.

This is why detachment, indifference, and staying in as good a state equally possible as so important, since it is the all-time thing for you, simply also the all-time way to annoy and torture the narcissist, who much prefers that you're miserable and under their control psychologically.

"The all-time revenge is a life well lived"

Popular maxim

Narcissists love using social media to stay in contact, which is why total no contact/blocking is so important

Tips For Managing Attempts to Re-Contact You

Given all we've gone over so far, the answer to dealing with unexpected contact from a narcissist ex after a long time should be clear – don't get drawn back in and ignore or dismiss them.

However, precisely the fact that it happens out the blueish after months or years can stupor and unsettle us. Here are some tips to handle this:

• Stay calm. If it'southward an e-mail/text/social media message, and you're taken by surprise because it's been and so long, your heart may bound and you may be flooded with adrenaline again (plus other psycho-somatic reactions) in one case you lot realize it'southward them. Practise not react when still in this land. Take time to at-home yourself down:
  • • Go for a walk or do some do
    • Attempt meditation if y'all can
    • Try relaxing music
    • Try any kind of pattern interrupt, like cocky administered bilateral stimulation, which can calm racing thoughts and neutralize your emotional connect to events.
    • Do any or all of these things until yous return to a baseline state of calm where you tin see things clearly.
    • One time you've calmed downwardly, then handle information technology in a way that keeps you in control. Do NOT respond right away if it triggers y'all, as you're not in control.
    • If you lot are recovered to the point where yous stay calm even when the unexpected contact comes through, so bully! It'll make brushing them off even easier.
• Do Not be fatigued dorsum into long discussions about anything.
• In fact, you don't need to respond at all. You can just ignore them and block their number (best approach if yous're perfectly happy doing this). If it's a phone call, just put the phone downwards. Also consider changing your number, email, social media etc. since the all-time approach is to block off whatever avenues they can contact you anyway (total-on no contact).
• Information technology can as well exist satisfying yet to brush them off in a briefly dismissive way. Say y'all're not interested, and imply they're boring, irksome, uninteresting and unexceptional, and put the telephone down and block their number, every bit a final parting shot to irritate them.
• Be aware that fifty-fifty in the briefest communications, they'll probably be trying to provoke or annoy yous, or make yous jealous again.
• Be specially aware of hoovering, where they'll pretend they've changed to try and describe you dorsum in. See side by side section. Don't fall for it.
• Lesser line – Ignore or quickly dismiss. Don't waste your time on them. Move on with your life.
• See Richard Grannon's splendid grade on managing contact with a narcissist, Not for re-opening upwards permanent contact once again, merely for meliorate understanding the narcissistic personality, and for handling even cursory contact in a style that keeps you lot in command.

Beware of Hoovering From The Narcissist

This is some other crucial tactic of manipulative people like narcissists that you lot must be aware of. As part of the effort to re-kindle with y'all, they'll often bombard you with promises of how they've worked on themselves and have truly changed, are ready to be a better partner. It'due south often called hoovering in the recovery space, considering they're trying to suck (hoover) y'all back in.

Practice not be taken in by any of this glib nonsense. Information technology'due south just more game and manipulation.

Here are some examples of information technology:

• They'll contact you again out the blue on social media or past text, e-mail or some other means. This is why no contact is important to stop them doing this.
• They'll go back to the seemingly innocent, sweet, caring prototype if this is what they initially reeled you in with.
• They may issue seemingly heartfelt apologies about how sorry they are about how they hurt yous.
• There will be promises that the cheating, gas-lighting, projection, lying etc. won't happen again.
• If you had been trying to get them to go to therapy considering of their toxic behavior, they'll hope to go help if you have them back.
• Any other changes in their behavior that you wanted them to make first fourth dimension but they never did, they'll latch onto these and promise to practice them now, or claim they are "growing/changing/evolving/cocky aware" now when they oasis't changed at all.
• The full general message they'll try to hoover you dorsum in with is "I'll be the person you ever wanted me to exist".
• If yous do take them back, they'll keep up these apparent changes for a while, then drop them and become straight back to the old, abusive patterns.

Hoovering From The Psychopath/Narcissist:

When you run across through the cheap trickery of an NPD, information technology'south almost comical. Don't autumn for whatever of their nonsense. Drop them cold and move on.

Do Not Permit The Narcissist Back In

The bottom line on all of this is that if narcissist ex partner contact y'all again after a long fourth dimension, merely ignore or dismiss them. Don't exist drawn back into their drama and toxicity, and don't autumn for their trickery trying to convince you it'll exist different this time.

Whatever abusive behaviors they did before; they'll do once again. Total blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a completely un-treatable and incurable condition. There'due south zippo that anyone else can practice to make a narcissist change; see our lengthy commodity which examines this upshot in detail.

Here's a simple criteria that we put in this commodity to assess the narcissist'southward claims of change:

1. Foundational question – has the narcissist ever sincerely apologized for their abusive/exploitative behavior? You'll be surprised how frequently they actually don't practice this, even when trying to hoover yous back in. They will often use clever give-and-take trickery that may sound conciliatory but avoids them really ever taking any buying and arraign for their toxic behavior. Run into the hoovering video above.
2. Have they undergone several years at to the lowest degree of intensive psychotherapy, with a skilled therapist well trained in personality disorders?
3. Additionally, or alternatively, take they "hit rock bottom" in their lives – reached a low point where they have lost everyone and everything, and undergone a process of several years of fully rebuilding themselves from the ground up, which volition also likely include the intensive, prolonged therapy mentioned in betoken #2?

ix,999 times out of 10,000, the answer to all iii of these questions will exist no, and you tin brush them off appropriately and move on with your life.

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Source: https://psychopathsinlife.com/tips-if-a-narcissist-ex-contacts-you-after-a-long-time-months-years/

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